I suppose there are people who sit down and create plans. Plans for the week, the month; goals for the year. I know there are people who plan out there life. I mean, people who have chosen a career, went to school with that career in mind, and then began an internship and or work in the field they had planned to enter.
I did not even plan which school I wanted to go to. That was something for seventeen and eighteen year old girls in their senior year of high school to do... sitting around a laptop, in pajamas, drinking hot coco. I know, because I witnessed something like that. In our affluent suburb, an aspiring young student could hope to go to a good four year college right out of high school. Many did. And many graduated on schedule and got good jobs. Many others strayed form their plans (or maybe they hadn't planned on partying so much) and ended up in the local community college, at my side.
I did not plan on anything. It has been a wind-blown existence, but not particularly exciting. The most that I can say is that I picked up on interests along the way, and followed them- half heartedly in some cases, and with a little more fervor in others. Schooling was just something I did because I couldn't think of anything else to do. I did enjoy learning, and there were always girls to meet, but schooling was not telios oriented. I had no goals or designs on my education. Really, just to study things that interested me, and to meet girls. I thought that going to a university to later get a good job and make a lot of money was disgusting, and a perversion of the institution of education. Actually, I still feel that way, mostly.
But a life without plans can also lack direction. A life without goals to fail or achieve leaves little to reflect upon, and though I plan little, I reflect greatly upon my past experiences. If asked ten years ago where I thought I would be today, I would not have had an honest answer. I would have had a hopeful and extravagant answer, but it would have been made-up, completely make believe. I could not explain how I would be a successful creative anything, because I could not have fathomed the process for that end.
I am only now trying to figure out that process, and in my limited spare time that a life with no planing has left me. It is akin to reverse engineering a failed design to determine what went wrong, and how to reconstruct the contraption (my life) in a meaningful and lasting way. I don't believe I am too late to begin such a task. I am young yet (having just turned twenty seven), and we are completely free to reinvent ourselves however many times we deem necessary in our lives. I have had bad moments of feeling completely trapped and helpless to change my situation- life in a rut is a hard thing to shake out of- but it is possible. We as human beings can stand almost anything. We are resilient and adaptive to a point where we can accept our station in life, even if it is pretty awful. Some peoples tolerance for bad or bland or bleak situations are higher than others. Others plain don't realize that their situation is crappy.
I know what my situation is, and distractions can only keep the glaring truth from my eyes for so long. The easy distractions, drinking, television, video games, fail to sway me. The harder distractions, which are the good things in my life- cycling, music, hiking, adventuring, reading, are more effective. I would never surrender my passions- they are more than mere distractions, but they are distractions nonetheless. They rejuvenate me, they help me blow off steam, they make me happy. They make me satisfied with life, and I suspect that they always will. But this is the crux of the problem. I most not allow myself to let my releases become wholly satisfying- I must not become complacent, and accept my formless life to continue in its meandering way. I must be eternally dissatisfied until my times of reflection reveal to me a life well spent, a life full of meaning. Because right now, it's not enough.
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